Month of observance brings abusive relationships out of shadows Published Oct. 26, 2007 By Capt. Suzanne Ovel 62nd Airlift Wing Public Affairs MCCHORD AIR FORCE BASE, Wash. -- The tactics are varied, but effective. Telling her not to apply for a community college course, since she's not smart enough to pass. Physically isolating him in a rural home, with no job or vehicle. Striking her in the torso when the laundry piles up. The tactics may differ, but the end result for abusive partners is the same: control. Perpetrators in domestic violence relationships may abuse their partners in several different ways -- emotionally, physically, sexually or through neglect, said Capt. Alexander Macdonald, 62nd Medical Group family advocacy officer. Isolation is a key tactic that abusers in the military use, he said. Saying "I'm the only one here for you," is easy for abusers to declare when their spouse's family is 3000 miles away. Other tactics include claiming that no one will believe the victim, or that the victim will have to give up custody of their children. Captain Macdonald said these individual tactics of control are part of the larger cycle of violence found in abusive relationships. After each abusive incident, there's a period of remorse followed by a "honeymoon" stage -- after which the tension builds again. Often times, the level of violence and control increases with every cycle. Snapshot of the victims So just why do women stay with abusive men? That question is one that often comes to mind when people think about domestic violence. The answer, just like many dynamics of domestic violence, is complex. "You don't just go from 0 to 60; you don't just go from happy to abusive quickly. It's gradual," Captain Macdonald said. He said it's also overlooked that victims care about their partners, and don't just want to give up. If victims do leave, the level of lethality increases. Women are at the greatest risk then, since abuse is really about control, and leaving takes that control away, said Captain Macdonald. He cautioned that outward behavior or characteristics aren't always indicative if someone's abused. Males can also be victims of domestic violence. Captain Macdonald said that female perpetrators tend to be emotionally abusive. "There's no injury, and there's a lot of stigma attached. It's not discussed much," he said, although more male victims are contacting the authorities. Getting help For anyone trying to break out of abusive relationships, McChord offers varied reporting options. With restricted reporting, one can opt to only receive support and not start an investigation by contacting family advocacy or a health care provider. In unrestricted reporting through security forces or other official channels, the commander of the active duty Airman must be notified. Support by friends and family members can also aid victims; just talking may help. "Don't be judgmental," Captain Macdonald said. "First of all, listen-- it's the most important thing you can do. Show genuine concern for her." It can be exasperating to care for someone who appears to be making no progress towards leaving an abusive relationship, but Captain Macdonald cautions to maintain ties with those people. If they decide later to get help, they'll need that support system. Almost everyone can contribute to ridding society and the Air Force of this abuse. Captain Macdonald cautions against making jokes about domestic abuse, which slyly condone the violence. Also, just reaching out more to coworkers and friends, and establishing an environment in which people feel supported can help.